Brandy Engler, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Women on My Couch revealed that the most common issue she encounters with her clients is when a man introduces a fantasy that a woman isn’t comfortable with. Often, she will find situations where a man asks her client to perform a specific sexual fantasy with him, but she isn’t turned on by it or is just merely uncomfortable.
Problems can arise when a woman feels pressured to fulfill the fantasy and satisfy her man, leading her to feel unsatisfied and as if his needs overshadow hers. One common male fantasy that women often find hard to perform are female dominance in the bedroom.
Partners are never going to have the same turn-ons, so it’s important to know how to communicate with each other. Neither is it good for people to feel pressured to “be down for anything,” it is essential to know your limits.
Engler says she teaches her clients how to make smart decisions. Before quickly rejecting or agreeing to something, it is essential to ask yourself some questions, such as: “What do I want sex to mean?” “Do I want to be more adventurous or lustful?” Is this what I want or am I just doing this to make my partner happy?” Engler calls this conscious sexuality. Her steps to practice conscious sexuality are outlined below:
1. Know that it is okay to be different.
2. Ask your partner why they like this fantasy and what it means to them.
3. Don’t criticize or judge your partner for having their fantasies; it can harm your relationship.
4. Be honest about how you feel.
5. Once you have both expressed yourselves, you can start to compromise.
This process should help prevent conflict and arguments in the long run because you are communicating openly and honestly. It may be difficult to talk about sex so candidly at first, but it is worth the awkward beginning to reap the benefits of a more fulfilling sexual relationship. You may find that you and your partner can work out your sexual differences, or you might realize you need to find someone you’re more compatible with. Either way, this process should help you do what is best for you.
